Father, Where art thou?

Father, Where art thou?


"I wish I could find my dad's number so I could call him up and say, 'F@#$ You Dad!' and then I would just hang up," said 1st Lt Marquette.


It wasn't exactly the sentiment I was expecting the Monday after Father's day. Just the day prior I was fully saturated in praise, thanksgiving, and adulation from my wife, five kids, in-laws, and siblings. I even had a 10sh minute conversation with my dad on the phone (I can count on two hands the number of times I do that in a given year) and expressed gratitude for his example and what he had taught me.


I was prepared to hear similar conversations and odes around the table. Around me sat fellow Emergency War Order (EWO) Planners in the EWO vault at F.E. Warren AFB where I was stationed. Instead, I saw pain, anger, abandonment, and apathy haunting their eyes. I would be lying if I said those had never haunted me.


Like many, my relationship with my father is...complex. My father is a quiet man who loves being surrounded by his family. He's goofy and has one of the most entertaining River Dance, kitchen routines in the Rocky Mountains.


As a man on his fourth marriage, I had also believed he was the sole reason for my parents' cycling separation and divorces from about the time I was 15 to about 23. My biological mother told me that he was was emotionally abusive and manipulative. She told me he was the problem and source of the family discord that silently raged in my home.


I believed her. I was disappointed in him. I wanted to look up to my father, but all I could see was dross.


Life can be pretty ironic.


As I've matured and become a father myself, I've come to see him and circumstances in a new light. My siblings began telling me stories with details that were missing from my mother's narrative. My view and understanding of my father has drastically changed. My father wasn't perfect (none are, surprise!), and I don't believe he was abusive to me or my siblings.


In fact, I attribute the success of my own marriage in part to the lessons he taught me about humility and love. He was willing to own his mistakes and plead for forgiveness. That kind of vulnerability with your own child takes enormous amounts of strength and courage.


Melissa jokes that the best graduation gift we'll be able to give our kids is a couple years of therapy and counseling. We're going to screw up. We're going to make mistakes as parents. Even if we were perfect parents, we cannot control how our children interpret events and experiences.


All of that being said, I love my seven under-seven kids! (Another story for later) I want the best for them. How do I minimize detrimental behaviors and thought patterns towards my children? Or my wife? How do I become a good dad?


And that, my friends, is what I'll be discussing with you on this blog! I'll be rounding up and summarizing the latest research on Fathering. I hope you are willing to learn with me! Comment, share stories, ask questions, the whole shabang.


Next week I'll be exploring what roles Father's have historically played. So, to segue into that, a question for discussion:


What should a Father's top priority be?